A STORY OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

None of the *names are real and I've recounted the story as clearly as I can remember. This is a true story.

All pictures are for illustration purposes only and no actual photographs of places 
and people are depicted in this post.

THE STORY OF MISSIE
*Missie came to the shelter with 3 young children ages 3, 5 and 7.  None had ever been enrolled in school.  Missie was in her early 30's, a petite and frail looking woman with obvious mental delays.  She was constantly fidgeting around as if she were unsure and fearful of doing something wrong. One had to listen attentively in order to understand what what she was trying to convey.

Much of her body was covered with what looked like cigarette burns in various ages and stages of scaring.  Most were in places that would normally be covered by clothing.

Since she had 3 children she was given a room to herself and she was to follow the basic rules of "the house" (which are necessary for everyone to follow in order for a shelter to function smoothly as described here).

It was immediately apparent that Missie had no idea how to straighten a room (clothing on floor, making a bed, vacuuming, etc.) let alone help with preparing meals from "scratch".  Staff and other clients tried to coach her with this but it was very difficult because she really didn't understand what was expected of her.

The most difficult problem was Missie's management of her children. There was none.

On one occasion during her first few days in the shelter a staff member entered Missie's room to find piles of feces and urine on the carpet.  Apparently her 3 year old would simply pull down his pants (if he were wearing any) and defecate on the floor. The 5 year old would urinate wherever.

When Missie was asked to clean up the mess the "mess" became worse.  She herself was frustrated because she was unable to figure out how to go about cleaning it up. I won't go into details, but we all believed she tried her best.

The saddest part for me and staff was that it wasn't that Missie was lazy, disorganized or suffered from temporary depression, it was that she did not have the mental capacity to accomplish getting her life in order and moving on which is basically what most Domestic Violence Shelters are for. They are not designed for a long term home nor to teach long term life-skills. And long-term is definitely what Missie needed.

On my next Volunteer day I was told that Missie had called a relative and that they were willing to take her in. Since the shelter does no follow up on clients I have no idea what happened to Missie and her children.  As far as I know she never returned to the shelter (which a number of previous clients do).

To this day I often think of Missie and the kids.  And I'll bet that most of you reading this will have your own idea on what should be done to help people in  situations such as hers.


My opinion:

It would be best for Missie's children to be placed with relatives (capable of raising them) or placed in foster care.

While working as a State Ombudsman for a couple of years I chose to visit homes that housed mentally disabled adults instead of the elderly.  The homes I visited were private homes that had been converted so that a portion of their homes became  "a home within a home".

Adult clients (usually from 1 to 6 individuals) had their own shared kitchen, living/dining area and shared bedrooms.  The caretaker was basically there to oversee that medications were taken, meals were properly prepared, laundry done, etc.. She helped with shopping and other life skills but the clients were basically "independent" and asked to do for themselves according to their abilities.

This is the kind of home that Missie would have greatly benefited from.  And these are the kinds of programs that I'm totally in favor of.

Unfortunately our government's entitlement spending is not limited to individuals that need help but goes to many deadbeat people who refuse to get their life in order because it's easier to sit and collect money that someone else has worked for.  There is no FREE because ultimately it comes from the American workers.

I make this statement because in all my experiences I've  seen firsthand that there are many more individuals that fit that picture then the Missies who actually do need help or the clients living in independent adult homes. And if this sounds judgmental on my part....so what?  It's the truth as I've seen it.
 ____________________________

I believe that Missie had the worst of the lot when it comes to domestic abuse. She is no doubt the "poster child" when we think of abused women. However, there are a number of women who are not shy and timid.........who push buttons........and are the first to deliver a punch, and who actually initiate abuse..............

Now, now, I heard your intake of breath, the drawing together of your brows, and the glare at the computer screen.

I did not say that I believe that anyone, man, woman or child should be battered regardless of what behavior they may initiate. But remember that some of these women have their own life's issues and anger problems.  Mix this together with drugs and alcohol and a partner with the same issues and you've got a totally destructive time bomb.

Another thing to remember is that most abused women do not experience abuse on a daily basis.  When things are calm and in the "honeymoon" stage life may be wonderful, fun, loving, and "all is good with the world".

Please take a look at the cycle of abuse below.

_______________________

Another story next week.

(unless you'd rather see another birdhouse..LOL!)